Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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