I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
