So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
