Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
