Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
where are you?
Hypothermia
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
