After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
