Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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