I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize