I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
