i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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