I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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