Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
