he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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