Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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