I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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