if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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