I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
