I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
