That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
