The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
