I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
