Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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