The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
