I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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