I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
