ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
