If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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