Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
