two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize