So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My cat gives me a boner
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
