Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
