Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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