It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize