I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
