burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm too high and old for this...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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