Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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