I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
