Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
