He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
