I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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