I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
