I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
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