last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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