My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
