This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
