How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
