remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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