its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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