My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
