i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
farters have to be the big spoon...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
please don't ironically join a cult
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