whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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