I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize