im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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