I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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