screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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